Top Ten People I DO NOT TRUST

If you're like me, you have a knack for assigning unflattering, negative qualities to complete strangers. You can't always explain it, and your friends (all 2 of them) can't understand, but somehow, you just know it: that guy across the street is going to fuck you over. It's like having a spider-sense, except instead of acquiring it through the bite of a radioactive spider, it's fueled by paranoid and irrational fear that stems from years of childhood trauma. Join me!

Top Ten People I DO NOT TRUST

10. Robert Kiyosaki

Robert Kiyosaki is the author of the bestselling motivational book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, which tells the story of his two fathers (haha);"Poor Dad," his biological father, and "Rich Dad," the stage name for the guy "Poor Dad" met in a bar. According to the book, Kiyosaki's father was a hardworking man who ended up having very little net worth, whereas "Rich Dad" was supposedly his friend's successful and wealthy dad, a man that Kiyosaki decided, at a very young age, to emulate. Take that, regular dad.

As a rule, I simply do not trust any financial guru in general, the exception to the rule being Suze Orman, because she reminds me of Ellen. However, with Kiyosaki, my bullshit meter is on red alert. It's not the fact that he's Asian, or looks Asian, or whatever (if you were thinking that, you're racist, not me. I know he's Hawaiian), it's just who he is and what he stands for in general; the exact same copied and pasted smile, the suit, and the fact that his forte is money. He's a bestselling author, and statically not everyone that bought his book is rich. There's no way his methods can work for everyone on the planet, and on a semi-related note, I don't think the global economy could handle everyone being rich and successful. That's just way too optimistic for me. There has to be poor people, right? So I guess the question I'm asking is: Why does Robert Kiyosaki hate the needy? Does it have to do with something "Poor Dad" did to him as a child?

While my intense distrust for Kiyosaki may come across as irrational, my instincts were, unsurprisingly, validated by a bunch of people I've never fucking heard of.

9. John W. Scherer ALIAS: "Video Professor"
Remember him? He's the guy that gives away the free computer learning lessons!

I know what you're thinking, because I have a freak talent that allows me to see into your brain: "But here's a guy whose trying to help some of us, perhaps specifically the elderly or the mentally challenged, understand technology, and after all, knowledge is power!"

Correct, which makes the Video Professor™ a very powerful man indeed. He is not to be trusted. Furthermore, never, ever trust any product given to you for free. Remember all those free AOL CDs? They were everywhere-at the grocery store, at the post office, at Planned Parenthood, at church-and proved as inescapable as the Bubonic Plague, not to mention about as useful. Do you or anyone you know still use AOL? No. If you said yes, you're lying to me, just to spite me. I can tell. I can read your mind, remember? Fuck you.

Watch this Video Professor™ ad. You'll notice that he quickly adds the disclaimer that he's not guaranteeing you'll get rich. He's doing this to gain your trust, because he KNOWS you're thinking "bullshit this guy isn't trying to fuck me in the ass eight ways from Sunday." Plus, his company offers way too many different programs for me to believe they do one correctly. He has to make up money somehow, so don't give me that "free" baloney; there has to be a catch involving a vital organ or indentured servitude. The icing on the cake is when he says "try my product," like he's begging you. What he meant to say is "For the love of God, try my product. I'll do anything for your money." I can see it in his eyes.

8. Samuel Howitz a.k.a. Shemp Howard

The dishonest eyes, the slicked back hair, the penchant for tomfoolery: it has to be Shemp, a man so thoroughly capable of evil and so completely hated that Curly had to have a stroke for anyone to want him around again. Not to mention he was once voted the Ugliest Man in Hollywood, and as we all know, ugly folk can not be trusted under any circumstances, but especially when asking for directions.

7. My Neighbors

As a precaution, I distrust anyone in my immediate vicinity, and you can't get more immediate on a more regular basis than your neighbors. A suburban block is close quarters, and in a society increasingly divided into the haves and the have nots, life is a battle for resources and commodities where your only chance of survival is to attack the competition like a bloodthirsty cannibal. Your neighbors are your biggest threats, and what's worse, the less you see them, the worse it is. That neighbor on your block that you never see, whose car is always in front of the house but the doors and windows are seemingly welded shut? Don't be fooled-that house is a stronghold of Willy Wonka proportions. I once had a neighbor who tried to be all nice and shit, and he ended up being a pedophile. I saved myself years of denial and counseling by just writing him off as an asshole from the start.

6. That Guy Who Says You Can Trust Him

Whenever I ask someone to do me a favor and they tell me I can trust them, I immediately stop trusting them, though it's especially disturbing when I haven't asked them to do anything at all. I trust these people as far as I can throw them, which is not far on account of a degenerative muscle disease. If you were really my friend, you'd hide these substances in a body cavity at the airport.

The Guy Who Says You Can Trust Him always comes across as friendly and unassuming, and often appears ready and willing to help, but did you know many murders are committed by complete strangers? It's true, because somebody I know told me once.

5. Adolf Hitler

OK, I know it seems like an obvious choice, but remember that back in the day, Hitler was the shit. EVERYBODY thought he was cool. Not me. I never thought Hitler was cool.

Look at him, but try to forget about the Holocaust and basically world history in general for a second. Does he come across as anyone you can even remotely trust? I wouldn't trust Hitler doing a crossword puzzle, let alone running a country. He dropped out of art school and killed himself, just like Van Gogh.

So nice try Hitler, but you're going to have get up pretty early in the morning and also be born approximately 50 years later to pull one over on me. Can you believe somebody out there called him "uncle" or something? That's fucked up. "Uncle Hitler."

4. Matthew Lesko

Holy FUCK! Free money that the government is just hiding??? Sign me up!

That's right, it's Matthew Lesko, the crazy guy in the Riddler suit who promotes his phonebook sized tomes of "free" money programs and grants. He seems friendly enough, and free shit is good, right? Wrong.

Lesko is the classic case of the guy who overcompensates in one area because he is seriously lacking in another, which in this case is what he's advertising. Like I said before, the word "free" is an instant red flag. Most "free" things in life come with a catch, while others are things you don't want, like terminal illnesses, plagues of locusts, and clothes for Christmas. So when the words "free" and "money" are in the same sentence, you can bet my bullshit meter is at DEFCON 5. Observe.

If there's one thing everybody should know about advertising, it's that the more aggressive it is, the less you can trust it. Watch this ad for Lesko's book 1001 Best Free Stuff, then take a pregnancy test, because the bullshit that is streaming from it is fucking potent. Did you catch Lesko saying you don't even need to be a citizen? 10 grand to work on your pointless invention? Free horses?!? Did he seriously just say that? Give me a fucking break. The best part is when he says "If this was a lot of bullshit, I'd be outta business long ago!" which does less to validate his business model and more to confirm that America is filled with stupid, stupid, stupid people, as if that was a surprise.

If that ad didn't persuade you to ignore Lesko, you could always read this, this, this, this, or this. If you're still not convinced, then by all means, enjoy your food stamps.

3. People in Cults

Remember, never, under any circumstances or in any situation, should you take advice from someone in a cult. It's time honored, handy advice that I follow every day of my life. When someone asks if you want to be in a cult, tell them to kill themselves. You will both pause from your daily routines to laugh at the inevitable. The top three most dangerous cults in America are Major World Religions, the Westburo Baptist Church, and Detroit Lions fans.

2. Richard Milhous Nixon a.k.a. "Tricky Dick"

This one is a no brainer. First off, I never trust anyone whose first name is Tricky, so if you think I trust Richard Nixon, you are dead wrong. Nixon is possibly the only president America has ever had that could have just as easily passed as a used car salesman, and like them and their ilk, is a master in the art of assholery. Nixon wouldn't just sell you a lemon, he'd hide a body in the trunk and then stick a pipebomb under the whole shebang, all with a straight face. Nixon would do your mom and make you watch. Nixon would kidnap your dog and use it as a negotiation tool for procuring she-male pornography for J. Edgar Hoover. If you think I'm joking, well OK, YOU get fucked by Richard Nixon, because it's NOT gonna be me.

1. A Three Way Sausage Train Tie Between Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly.



Jesus Fucking Christ I hate these guys. Don't even TRY to fucking tell me these guys can be trusted. Fuck that noise. The combined douchebaggery of these three newts form a Lament Configuration of bullshit. Just LOOK at them. Beck looks like Toad from X-Men, while Hannity appears to be constipated with evil. Bill appears to have gotten his loofah confused with his falafel. Goddammit I hate them. If you did something bad to them, I promise I won't tell anybody. There's not much else I can say. I'm going to go sit in my garage with the car running.

Runner-Up: Rylan Getzalf

Sometimes, when I watch sports, I find myself pretending that the other players are the bad guys, and forget that they have wives and children. Ryan Getzalf, however, has neither; he is hellspawn. He was created with the blood of virgins and children, and his soul is comprised of the carcasses of murdered clowns. He hates birthday cake, toys, and Super Mario. His best friend is a serial killer. His pastimes include stealing old ladies' medication, mutilating puppies, and reading manga.

Honorable Mention: Everybody. Including Suze Orman.