When you weren't looking, Diddy decided to become the next James Bond.
Diddy's latest video blog post discusses his new fragrance, "I Am King," wherein he dedicates the cologne to "all the men out there that take care of your children, your familes, and respect and treat yourself like the kings we all are," Diddy's reasoning being "because we are children of god," which only seems like a non-sequitur if you think about it for any longer than about a second.
It's pretty well known that Diddy has his fingers in many entrepreneurial ventures, so the fact that he's making another fragrance in addition to his existing Sean John and Sean by Sean Combs clothing lines, Bad Boy record label, movie production company, two restaurants, Ciroc vodka line, two television shows, and commercial space travel line shouldn't surprise anybody. But the fact he's making a film to go along with it? It's a dick move that reaches levels previously only thought possible by, well, Diddy.
Given Diddy's usual behavior, even the fact that he felt the need to make a film for his cologne (I simply cannot stress this enough) could, with enough Valium, be overlooked. But instead, Diddy goes even further; not only it is a film, but a self proclaimed audition tape for the role of James Bond.
"I feel like I am blessed...suited to be the next James Bond," he says.
I don't think it should escape anybody that James Bond is, historically, white.
Now, I'm not saying that black people aren't capable of playing James Bond. I'm just saying that a black guy from New York City might lack the conviction of a white Briton. What if they did a Shaft movie where John Shaft was played by Nicolas Cage or David Duchovny? And isn't it supposed to be the same Bond in every film? How would they explain the obvious difference in hue?
"Now then, Agent 007, it looks like a wristwatch, but when you press the button, it disguises you as a black man from the States with too much money and one knacker of a Christ complex."
Despite his shortcomings, Diddy's talent for random, senseless gunplay means he's got one aspect of the Bond part down pat.
Other than the fact that he may have opened fire around innocent bystanders in a nightclub, what qualifications does Diddy really have? Who decided he could act? He offers little in the way of credentials in the blog post other than saying that he feels he should be able to. If Diddy said he could fly, could we push him out of a 747? Seriously, what does he do that makes him think he can play the lead role in a high stakes franchise like the Bond films? He makes clothes! Why not just get Issac Mizrahi to play Bond? Give me a fucking break!
And we haven't even started talking about his audition tape yet!
The film for I Am King, which runs a little short of 5 minutes, plays more like Sean Combs' Home Movies; 95% of the film's running time features Diddy doing random things in slow motion, such as gazing into the camera or riding a jet ski in a tuxedo. His asinine voiceover poses serious philosophical queries such as "will you answer the calling?" before coming to the astute observation "I believe, therefore I am."
The calling? What is this, the Crusades?
The clip ends with Diddy reiterating that he is, in fact, king. It freezes on a shot of the fragrance. We have either just experienced 5 minutes in another day in the life of Diddy, or have just watched a surreal montage of a what goes on in that man's head. The reality is probably, somehow, both.
Speaking of surrealism, imagine a Diddy film for a moment. Imagine a feature length version of what you just saw carried out to its next logical (illogical?) step. You can't. The end product would exceed the works of Lynch, Dali, and Cocteau in its surrealness; a film so out there even William Faulkner or Alain Resnais would have trouble understanding just what the hell was going on. Diddy lives in his own world, his existence transcending our own meager lives and onto another plane of reality. Can anybody really even remotely relate to Diddy? At this point, even Kanye West feels left out.
In the end, what's left is a strange and somewhat masturbatory video clip for cologne that plays like a typical rap video without the rap; an alienating proclamation that it's Diddy's world, you're just living in it.
